Feeling a bit crappy...

Hi...

I just paid Sallie Mae $115.16 which is all I can currently afford and is not even half of the payment I owe them for this month...

It always happens that whenever I look at all the money it took to get me this Bachelor's Degree (friggin school!) & I look at their predictions on how long I'll be repaying the loans (until 2024 at the earliest) & I think about being employed hourly & I think about thing that I'd really rather be putting money towards (a working car...)... I just want to walk out of the office and go home.  I want to run away and hide and sell hats on the roadside.

Well, not really...

But it does get overwhelming... why does getting a degree have to be so expensive? I mean part of it is my fault for going to a private adventist school, but seriously?!?

My chest is tight and I can feel the weight of Sallie sitting on me... She's such a jerk... I wish someone would pull a Fight Club on her butt and pack her full of explosives and give all us Post-Grads a much needed break.

I hope that doesn't sound too crazy... But that's really how I feel sometimes.

It's like Sallie said,

"Hey aspiring professional girl! You want to get a degree but you and your parent's can't afford to pay cash? No problem! I am here for you! And don't worry about how you'll pay me back. With your degree and your awesome smile you'll be able to get a great job and your payments will be chump change. I believe in you. Now go pass your classes and don't worry."

And then graduation came.  And months after graduation came.  And jobs got more & more scarce. Then you look up and you're working retail or some crappy part time job barely covering your necessities.  And here comes Ms. Sallie,

Sallie: "Hey graduate! It feels great to be all degree'd up right!?  I knew you could do it. Now let's get these payments going. I'm going to need... oh... let's say $500 or so a month to begin then as you work more, we can up the amount since you'll be making the big bucks.

Me: But Sallie I only make enough to cover rent, utilities, gas, & food with very little extra...

Sallie: Well, you need to learn to make sacrifices. That's what adults do. I'll be expecting the money by Friday.

Sigh... I was looking at my repayment schedule & thinking... I should enter the lottery and when I win, give it all to Sallie... Too bad that's not going to happen... I wonder if I'm in some rich relative's will... probably not... Maybe I can fall down the steps at work and sue them... nope... Oh well... It's the post-grad struggle I guess.  Such is life.

Fujifilm Instax giveaway :: The Plaid Barn

Hello there, I came across this awesome giveaway while reading Apple Blue this afternoon.  I'm not normally one to try to win things cuz I never do, but I really want an Instax camera... O.O

...no... like, really...

Muse Poem

Hey you…
you- the whisper in my head and
the itch in my palms
you- the call in my heart and
the pull in my skin
I’ve missed you…
and I know you probably dont believe me
I mean I did walk away from you
an abandonment I called
“a time to listen”
but you’ve been so patient with me
occasionally sliding up next to my spirit
and nudging
whispering “hey… hey… remember…”
and me- I hear you
I just cant
cant write
cant rhyme
cant pull that old rhythm together
cant pen anything worth putting your name on
so I ignore you
the persistent whispers
your pleading hand on my shoulder
because I want to write the best poem ever written for you
and if its not amazing
and it’s not a slam perfect 10 or at least a 9.5
I dont want to write it
but you never were mine
simply a God-breathed spirit that took a fancy to me
you chose me
the sometimes manic
sometimes blue
girl learning to be a woman
and struggling at it constantly
thanks for staying with me
quietly following
knowing that relief would come my way
if I’d just write
but I’m stubborn and luckily, so are you
so this is my apology
I’m sorry.
please come make your bed beside my heart.

Ok... another work rant...

It's half an hour til lunch and I'm about to kirk out... I mean I'm here in this accounts payable office in the accounting department trying to make sense of what I'm suppose to be doing.  Now, I'd just like to say:

I am by NO MEANS an accountant!

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest... who am I kidding... I don't really feel any better... I know that I can do the work. I can submit the invoices and keep things in order... it's all very repetitive, but the kicker is that everything I'm doing right now, I pretty much learned within the last few days.  I've only been working here for about 2 weeks and I swear the people in the other departments think that the last lady actually trained me to take over her work.  When in all actuality, she pretty much bounced.  Left family photos and silverware in her desk drawer and everything... So no, I received NO TRAINING and I DONT KNOW what she was doing with all the accounts before she left... I am flying by the seat of my pants here and scrambling to pick up bits and pieces of information and details that ALWAYS turn out to be CRUCIAL to whatever case I'm working on...

[breathe caleisha breathe]

It seems that getting out of one office where I "wasn't the right fit" dropped me right into another office where I'm totally outside of my knowledge base... I know stretching oneself is good, but this has got to be the extreme view of that idea.

...This is rough...

Instagram Photo-a-Day June

Hey there! I actually completed a photo-a-day challenge on Instagram!!! yay me!  Anywho, here are the photos from each day.

1. Morning//2. Empty//3. On your plate//4. Close up//5. Sign//6. Hat

7. Drink//8. 6 o'clock//9. Your view today//10. Best bit of your weekend//11. Door//12. From a low angle

13. Art//14. Time//15. Yellow//16. Out and about//17. In your bag//18. Something we don't know about you

19. Imperfect//20. Fave photo you've ever taken//21. Where you slept//22. From a high angle//23. Motion//24. On you mind

25. Something cute//26. Where you shop//27. Bathroom//28. On the shelf//29. Soft//30. Friend

There you have it... the month of June in photos.  You can find me on Instragram as Nadiratani.

The search for place & purpose continues...

Here are my last few days in a nutshell: we are moving you to another office because you're not the right fit for this one. Your work is awesome though, so don't be upset. We want to keep you in our system, just somewhere else.

June 30th will be my last day working as an admin secretary in the pres office at Oakwood. There are other openings on campus that have been notified of my "work awesomeness" but truly speaking, I'm having a hard time feeling solidly positive.  I know that, really really, I should've quit this office like a month ago because working with the admin assistant is like pulling teeth while explaining grammar to a chihuahua... But hey, now I won't have to work with her anymore.

The Social Media Specialist/Photographic Services position in PR opened up yesterday.  It's a glimmer of hope for me.  I spoke about the opening with one of the ladies in HR that has been really supportive throughout my whole President's Office struggle, and she said that many times God has to allow us to work through something to get to His better plan for us.  She also said that He often gives us hints that maybe where you are is not where you should be & if we miss those hints He may have to move us by other means... My mom says things like that to me all the time.  She says she & I are "run into the brick wall then try everything to get around it kind of women..."  So more than I'd like to think, God has had to remove me from situations when I was hellbent on making it work.

Come the first of July, I'll be in another office... not sure where & that makes me anxious, but I know that wherever it is- it'll be TONS better than my current environment.

So my search for place & purpose continues... 

Looking for my place & purpose.

It seems that every few months or so I run into an event that poses itself as a major life change.  Recently, these events have reared their heads in the form of potential job loss.  I think I'm looking at it again... this would be the third time in a year... loss by potential employer contract loss, loss by budget cuts, loss by... I really don't know about this one. 

I've been working as an administrative secretary to the president of Oakwood University since January & have been full time since February.  This sounds all great and such, but the kicker in it all is that I've been TEMPORARY  for the entire time.  I even told them upon getting the temp position that the only reason I was even interested was because as a PERMANENT employee of the university, I would qualify for health benefits... But alas, here we are 4 months of full time & overtime & many MANY MANY struggle days later & I'm no closer to my goal of getting health care... Everytime I bring up my status to my "manager" she has nothing to say & a bit later I hear that she has complaints about something. Those somethings often present themselves as her opinions & not things that affect my job performance, ie. I have natural hair, I don't wear suits everyday, etc...

Yesterday, she says "I need to talk to you about employment tomorrow... probably towards the end of the day" & the pessimistic side of me says, "great... you are about to come with some bullsh!t... lemme go on down to HR & see what my movement options are since you want me out of this office."

So, we'll see what happens at the end of this day.  Regardless of what she says, I have a glimmer of hope at a photography job opening that I'll be applying for in the very near future.  I want to get super excited about it because it would be a position IN MY FIELD OF STUDY. I would actually be doing PHOTOJOURNALISM... actually using my degree!

(For anyone who has gone through 4 years of college & worked hard to get a degree, then not use it because the job opportunities just don't exist & end up being a secretary or a cashier or a customer service rep... you know my utter delight at this possibility.)

I'm praying for that job.  I'm praying for guidance & the clarity of mind to realize God's hand moving me.  I'm praying for employment that is FOR me because I want to wake up in the morning happy about it. I want to use my gifts & talents.  I want to see that Red Bull commercial & be like 'yeah, I've got that' instead of crying 'yeahhhh, i wanna wake up with a passionnnnnn tooooooo' (that commercial kills me...)

Going through the process of finding your place & purpose is a hard thing.

So, if anyone reads this, please say a prayer or leave me a prayer.